family

I have heard that we choose our families before birth. I disagree. And I imagine that someone raised in an abusive household would not find that statement very comforting or true. I remember Teejay once talking to me about the concept of karma and how do you explain that to a child who lives in poverty. What did that kid do to deserve their present state?

I do think that as we age there are opportunities to acquire family. I do not mean those people who are related to us by blood, but those people who we have chosen to let into our lives. Those people who are more than acquaintances, more than friends, who are a part of not only our lives but our entire being.

We are family by choice. Family without the extensions.

amu hossein

I’m still very sorry. I was looking at the Qu’ran cover you designed and thinking about the drawing you did of us all in the Nahidian house. I was thinking of me begging you for that horse. You were sitting by the kitchen, on the floor, talking to Amu Naqi. I asked and I asked and finally you drew it. On that small torn out piece of notebook paper.

It was soon after we found out and sooner after that we sat in the kitchen eating Disney pops when Baba told us. I had a red Mickey Mouse. He melted on the table.

I know. I do know that you are not angry. I see you often in the city. I think of you often in the city. I miss you often in the city.

12. Tank Girl

Doesn’t Ice-T play a kangaroo/man in this? I remember trying to watch this at the library of Mason and not sure if it was supposed to be funny or ridiculous or what. Lori Petty is pretty badass, and I think I recall wanting to be just as cool and hot as her. This I would definitely get and finish and actually pay attention to. Watching movies in the public library is a sad move to make, sometimes necessary, but in this case it was not. I would have finished it had it been for a class. This was more of an “I’m bored and waiting” kind of move. I remember feeling like it was Road Warrior on crack, which says a lot considering Road Warrior is pretty much already on crack. My favourite character from that is still the mohawked chaps guy and his blonde boyfriend who says nothing. That movie is so 80s it hurts. I also remember thinking that Gwen Stefani stole from Lori Petty when I saw this. Who knows? At this point I would definitely believe it. Gwen Stefani reminds me more and more of Madonna. She may have a fake English accent too for all I know. I only forgive Mandy Slade that disastrous move, and if legend is true, she is the original. The others are just taking from her anyway. Apocalyptic sci-fi movies need more girl heroes. I know you thought Resident Evil was the first. Well, it wasn’t.

this is the face

of someone who has risen early to write:

Note the tired eyes and the more than usual unkempt hair. I do this for you…and by you, I mean me.

your behavior during this whole vacating process…

7/5/08 730pm Text: Hey, just a heads up. Im coming by the apt.@8 to show it.

7/5/08 731pm Text: Tonight?

NO RESPONSE

7/5/08 734pm Text: I am at home in bed, cause I dont feel well.

7/5/08 735pm Text: Yea. Just for a few minutes.

7/5/08 737pm Text: Dude, that is short notice and i dont feel well. What happened to open house on sunday?

7/5/08 759pm Text: Sorry. I showed it this afternoon, but her husband worked til 7. We will only be a minute.

Needless to say I called him immediately and the phone conversation soon turned into yelling because he proceeded to tell me to get dressed and that I could wait in the hall or my own living room. So despite the fact that I had paid that month’s rent and that he was breaking the law in bringing someone in after I said no, did not really matter to him.

I ended up cursing him out in Farsi and didn’t realize it at first until he said he could not understand me. I was that angry.

What followed was a series of emails…well, first there was another phone call on the 7th which he could not handle because I was interrupting his “personal” time. Apparently my being sick the night before did not matter.

After that I called the NYC government and with the help of Rebecca, Teejay, Lisa, and Susin I wrote a very factual and well-thought out email calling him out on breaking the law on more than one count. He responded with an email about how I am childish and immature…he also told me we come from different backgrounds and upbringings, basically I do not know how to act etc etc.

I am considering copying the emails in here.

I was also considering providing his email and phone number for people to get in touch with him and let him know what a hypocritical piece of shit he is, but that may result in my getting into some serious trouble and really, he is not worth that.

this is it

i stop checking after some time

things remain constant and smooth

or constant and not smooth, little hills to walk up, big ones to fall down

but constant

expectations

and when there is change all that can be done is quiet

quiet reaction action steps

inhalation

this momentary obstruction of what is familiar

perhaps it becomes familiar

perhaps i am done with familiar

this is my being ready and my being new and my reclamation

self voice body mind soul

things that once were hurtful are no longer

things that once were maddening remain so

things that once were tearful cannot be

consistency is over

Quote of the Day

Homophobia’s not like Creed, something you can just drop the instant you realize it sucks.

-Troy Johnson “Mommy’s Little Monster” in Spin

one year ago

I moved to New York. One year ago, today. Liz, Mr. Collins, Margaret, Ben, and I drove up in an SUV and moving van with a lot of stuff. A LOT. I never realize how much I have until I move. And now I am in the process of moving out. (So much to be said on this, and now is not the right time).

After a full day of moving things up three flights of stairs and into a hot sticky apartment, with Thai food from 4 blocks away, Liz and I passed out. Literally. I woke up in my sweaty jeans. The next week was spent cleaning a mess of an apartment - she had to use a screw driver to scrape nastiness off the stove - and wandering. We slowly found our way around the neighborhood and eventually the train lines. This isn’t DC, it’s not the blue line, it’s the C train.

One month passed before we had our new roommates, Boy Cat and Girl Cat. They found roaches…yay. I met Andrew. We searched for jobs. And we searched some more. We handed out resumes. We stole internet. We went to cafes. I walked across the island. I walked blocks and blocks with water and crackers and paper. I got a temp job after one month. Liz got a job at a tea shop. I got a job at a cinema and then the drama department at The New School. Classes started. I knew the moment I sat in my first class that I had made a wrong decision. The program was not for me. I stuck it out. I am now out. Where do I see myself in five years? On some land with horses. We got sick. Really sick. I danced. Liz went to plays. Friends visited. The toilet flooded and could not be used for two days. It took some serious phone calls to get that fixed. I met people from VA, from McLean. Teejay, Rebecca, Rachel, Sadiqeh, Krissy, Gary, Gonzalo, Nayareh, Ayat, Endam, Mommy, Bashir, Nazir, Ethan, Kaytee, Ben, Margarita, Frances…baseball and Vegetarian Palate and Hendog and Chinatown and Union Square and movies and no sleep and movies and movies and sitting and guitar and long walks.

New York, what has it given me? I have been looking back a lot. Reflecting, analyzing. Sometimes I think things over too much, but overall I have come to some important self-realizations, more awareness. To be aware is a path chosen for me in my name, assigned at birth. I am, like all Agahs, meant to be aware. I cannot turn my back on who I am. I will not.

Recently, I said to a friend, that I think New York can further pronounce already existing qualities of our personalities. He mentioned that New York helped him to become more patient. I, and I may have addressed this before, have relocated a part of myself I thought had been let go soon after turning 16 and upon starting in a new place. What I had once dismissed as a sometimes cruel personality, and one I had shed, is who I am.

As a post script to yesterday’s letter, New York, thank you. Thank you for helping me reclaim myself. Thank you for helping me return to a part of myself I thought was not needed, but after years of submission, of slumber more like, it has returned. And more often than not, returned without the intent of hurt or self satisfaction (yes, I made people cry in junior high and high school).

So, here I am, one year later. It has almost taken me an entire year to reach out past myself. I am okay with that. I have recently come into the company of some amazing people. I have found that before quieted voice. It is loud. It is speaking.

I still haven’t cried. I seriously considered watching Edward Scissorhands the other night so that I would cry. I changed my mind.

Dear New York

Dear New York,

I know what you are trying to do. You don’t know me well.

-Aman

Dear John Malkovich

Note: I had first intended my “letters to emily” category to be a moment of reflection on the works of Emily Dickinson. After my letter to the cats, and feeling kind of inspired by Henry Rollins (I know!), I decided to make it more of an open letter to different people, places, things…

So, on to the letter.

Dear John Malkovich,

No. I realize that too many of us have left you with the impression that you are a stellar actor, but it is time that I speak up. I will give you Empire of the Sun, but let’s not kid ourselves, Christian Bale stole that film and made it amazing. And I like Being John Malkovich because it is completely absurd, makes fun of my home New Jersey, and who the hell would ever want to be you anyway? (Again, that’s why it’s funny). Let’s look at some other roles that have generally won you praise: Of Mice and Men. Personally, I get kind of annoyed when some actor is told they play retarded well. I like Sean Penn, but really? Is he really that memorable for I Am Sam? What about The Assassination of Richard Nixon? What about his directing? And I love What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, but not because of Leonardo DiCaprio. I mean, he is good in it, but there’s also the story that kinda carries the whole film, not to mention Johnny Depp.

Okay, you may also deserve some credit for In The Line of Fire. But you did play a psycho in that. And in Con-Air. You seem well-suited for those roles. That odd shaped head, somewhat sweet and thick voice with a hint of a high-pitch. Again, though, for Con-Air at least, someone else stole the show. In this case it was Steve Buscemi. The man played with Barbie dolls and talked about wearing a human head as a hat. And he wins the prize when it comes to funny looking. The Coen Brothers went with that.

Let me get to what prompted this letter in the first place: Knockaround Guys. Here is a movie, pretty bad mind you, about a group of mob kid friends who decide they want to join the family business. You, as you may or may not know, play the uncle of the main kid, played by Barry Pepper. To hear you attempt a Brooklyn accent and end up sounding like some kid whose just watched A Bronx Tale and is trying really hard to imitate what they assume to be the accent of everyone in this city, is beyond sad. Please, just…no. I have an idea, why not do what you have done in other movies that require an accent, don’t do it. In The Messenger you kept your same old John Malkovich voice, despite the efforts of others to sound French. (Vincent Cassel is French, so don’t even start the comparisons there). Even in Eragon, which I am admitting to seeing, despite the fact that it is one of the worst movies ever, you did not feel the need to use any accent. Then again, you really did not feel the need to act either. Did you know right away that you were going to treat that performance like practice for other crap roles? Did you just see it as some extra cash? Or were you fooled into thinking it would be good like those of us who shelled out $10 because, like us, you saw Rachel Weisz and Jeremy Irons in the cast and thought “hey, there is no way this can suck!” ? Is that what happened, John? You can be honest. You should know that a god cast does not mean a good film. The Messenger is a great example of that. And you should know that just because everyone says it is good, does not mean it is good. Gone Baby Gone, hello! That movie was a waste of my life. And I cannot get that time back.

Here’s the thing, you are in some post-productions that I want to see, and I will see them. But I need you to know that my attending Burn After Reading has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with The Coen Brothers. And when I buy my ticket for The Mutant Chronicles it is because the futuristic movie is about a guy who fights NecroMutants.

-aman