Dear Boy Cat and Girl Cat,
I am writing this letter to you because I feel it is the only way I can get out all I need to say. This way you cannot ignore me. You cannot look away or meow over my words. You have to at least read what I am saying.
I want you to know that I find it difficult to sleep at night when you start chasing each other around the apartment, knocking things over, and using me as a sort of base or jumping spot. I also find it difficult to sleep when you are clawing at the window screen.
Why do you claw at the window screen? The last thing I want is for you to fall through the window and fall three stories! I open the window so that we can all enjoy the cool air at night and because I know you like to sit on the sill and watch birds and people. Having to get up at 3am to close the window because you ignore my requests to stop is frustrating.
Girl Cat, I would really appreciate it if you stopped walking across my pillow and hair. It is not that this prevents me from sleeping, but I would rather not have poo particles and kitty litter on my pillow and in my hair.
Boy Cat, when you need to puke, kindly remove yourself from your tower, the couch, the yellow chair, or whatever other comfortable spot you have found for your body. Ruining that awesome tower Liz got for free does not mean it will be replaced with an even awesomer one.
Because neither of you takes compliments well, I would also like to take this opportunity to say thank you for being welcoming and kind to our new roommate, Kate. Unless she is being nice and not tattling on you, you did not puke for her and you were overall well-behaved. I really appreciate that, and I am glad you both like her.
One more thing, please stop farting when you are lying right next to me. I don’t fart on you. But I will…if this continues.