theradishpress

Friday, May, 30, 08

A letter to the cats

Filed under: adventures of Boycat and Girlcat — theradishpress @ 11:15 am
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Dear Boy Cat and Girl Cat,

I am writing this letter to you because I feel it is the only way I can get out all I need to say. This way you cannot ignore me. You cannot look away or meow over my words. You have to at least read what I am saying.

I want you to know that I find it difficult to sleep at night when you start chasing each other around the apartment, knocking things over, and using me as a sort of base or jumping spot. I also find it difficult to sleep when you are clawing at the window screen.

Why do you claw at the window screen? The last thing I want is for you to fall through the window and fall three stories! I open the window so that we can all enjoy the cool air at night and because I know you like to sit on the sill and watch birds and people. Having to get up at 3am to close the window because you ignore my requests to stop is frustrating.

Girl Cat, I would really appreciate it if you stopped walking across my pillow and hair. It is not that this prevents me from sleeping, but I would rather not have poo particles and kitty litter on my pillow and in my hair.

Boy Cat, when you need to puke, kindly remove yourself from your tower, the couch, the yellow chair, or whatever other comfortable spot you have found for your body. Ruining that awesome tower Liz got for free does not mean it will be replaced with an even awesomer one.

Because neither of you takes compliments well, I would also like to take this opportunity to say thank you for being welcoming and kind to our new roommate, Kate. Unless she is being nice and not tattling on you, you did not puke for her and you were overall well-behaved. I really appreciate that, and I am glad you both like her.

One more thing, please stop farting when you are lying right next to me. I don’t fart on you. But I will…if this continues.

-Aman

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Thursday, May, 29, 08

9. The Slacker

Yet another Richard Linklater movie. I was all about seeing it around the same time I was all about SubUrbia. But I think the whole frontal nudity thing kinda took away most of my wanting. And at this point, I could really care less about seeing it. I mean, Texas…meh. I don’t really have an interest in a movie that takes place in Texas, unless it’s a Western. I love Westerns. Though, The Assisination of Jesse James By the Coward Robert Ford and I seem to be having a conflict of interest. I don’t know if it is that I am feeling lazy about watching it, or I am anticipating some not-goodness.  So far I am unsure of how I feel about a lot of the cinematography. Also, I pretty much trust Brad Pitt as an actor. At least, I know what to expect. But I am not so sure of him as a producer. Casey Affleck, though, he is golden. Anyway, Slacker…no thanks. See, I can’t even talk about it for that long, that’s how little interest I have.

Wednesday, May, 28, 08

sleeplesness

Filed under: a moment in my head — theradishpress @ 10:53 am

i have not been sleeping well for the past few nights, maybe weeks, maybe months. i did fall asleep at 730pm last Thursday. that was glorious. and much needed. i feel like when i am sleeping it is not enough and it takes me forever to actually fall asleep. having boy cat meow in one ear and girl cat refuse to understand that jumping on my pillow is not only annoying but dirty with her poo paws, doesn’t really help the inability to sleep factor. when i do remember my dreams they are hazy and jumbled, but mostly now i remember nothing. sometimes there is a faint recollection of someone or some thing that happened and i awake with a distinct emotion but i am not sure why. i wish i could record my dreams and watch them later for more detailed understanding and interpretation, which may not at all lead to understanding or interpretation, rather confusion.

this time next year i will not be here. this time next here will be different. this time next year i may not be here. this time next year i will be gone from this point moved on to the next outside of where i am. this time next year will bring new faces and places and demands and representations of how i see myself.

remember in the matrix when morpheus tells neo that everyone has a residual self image? i think about that a lot, how we all see ourselves and how it could be significantly different from how the world sees us, or maybe each person sees us differently. sometimes when i see pictures of myself past and present i am slightly taken aback. i had a different image in my head. what i had in my head is not always so greatly different, but different none the less. and then it makes me think about our actions, how we perceive our own actions. what makes someone like george bush frightening to me is that i think he really does believe that he is doing the right thing in attacking afghanistan, iraq, perpetuating death and destruction in this country, and the entire world. i think he really believes that god chose him. and that makes him dangerous. i think that when it comes to my own actions i think about things too much. one reason i can’t sleep is because i can’t stop thinking things over and over and over.

this time next year it will be different. this time next year will be without. i will abandon everything that holds me back. this time next year.

Gonzalo Sightings #3 – Randy Harrison

Filed under: celebrity sightings — theradishpress @ 10:39 am
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Celebrity Sightings will now be referred to as “Gonzalo Sightings,” because Gonzalo gets excited every time I post one.

Aman’s inner-dialogue: 14th St. Get off here. Oh my god, That’s Randy Harrison. He is too cute. Oh man, he walks so fast. I want to say hi. No, no. I will end up saying something stupid, sounding like a 12 year old. Leave it alone. Look how blonde his hair is.

I have very deep thoughts, I know.

One week later at Union Square:

Hello! Randy Harrison again. Dammit, I am going to say hi and tell him how awesome he is on QAF and how much I love that show. No, I can’t. There are too many people around and he is talking to some old guy. I know his birthday is the day before mine, I could tell him that we are both Scorpios. Like he doesn’t know he’s a Scorpio. No, I am going to keep walking and find somewhere to eat my food.

Tuesday, May, 27, 08

thoughts?

Filed under: a moment in my head — theradishpress @ 3:09 pm

opinions stated as fact

mindless lips

let slip

endless thoughts

without reaction

distraction

redaction

this time i sit

tired and thoughtfull

full of thoughts

and prayers

and demands

i know where i come from

and i know what i leave behind

what to find

and where to find

and who to find

and how to stop and listen and take in

this time i know what i do not know and i will wait

impatiently as i always do

my opinions swaying in and out

my facts lost

lips pierced tightly together in silence

Friday, May, 23, 08

NCBEye

Filed under: a moment in my head — theradishpress @ 9:49 am
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First off, Boy Cat has something in his left eye. As a result, I have scratches all up my arms and almost got one on my lip. Despite trying to move it toward the tear duct and then getting ripped off on saline solution – but hey, it’s for the cat – which he really fought me on getting just one drop on last night, he is still blinking weird. I tried again like 10 minutes ago. He still scratched and wiggled his fat body away. Ahole.

LC and I went to the 3-day NCBI training at Mason Monday thru Wednesday. As always, it was great to reconnect with people, and it was even better to have someone new and amazing co-leading with DW. I feel like this year training was more to the point, more welcoming, more challenging, and overall, full of some really amazing people.

(Now he is licking his own butt and making a kind of suction noise. Delicious.)

I was, of course, ridiculously nervous. Nervous about sitting a room full of people, nervous about thinking I might be asked to speak in front of all of them, nervous about co-leading a small group.

(Now repositioned himself so I can actually see and hear the butt licking. So kind.)

What is NCBI? The National Coalition Building Institute. It is diversity training, prejudice reduction, dialogue creating. It is the idea that everyone has stories to tell. I remember thinking it completely hokey the first time I did it. I called it an Oprahfest. People sharing feelings and crying. I went back. And I went back again. And again. And eventually I was asked to be a co-leader in small groups. And eventually I was asked to help facilitate trainings in classrooms. And I still go back.

(Now he is sitting in fat bunny pose. This time, not on top of my phone.)

I have used the skills I learned to help better communicate with people. I don’t always agree. And I don’t always use the skills. But they have come in handy, and my not using them is sometimes out of self-defense and sometimes out of laziness.

Sadly, when I was home this weekend I did not get to see everyone I wanted to and my visits home have turned in to me just trying to fit everyone in and not being able to fit everyone in, even if I am home for several days. I really upset my mom and maybe some other people, myself included. I feel like I need at least one solid week of vacation time in VA to see everybody I want to see, and even then I may need more.

Friday, May, 16, 08

patternsrepeatpatternsrepeat

Filed under: a moment in my head — theradishpress @ 4:58 pm
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I have not been sleeping well, which I have used as an excuse the past week to not get up and write. I have this problem of getting into do healthy things and then dropping it, losing it, repeating the same tired and useless patterns as before. When I was in England I had come to several self-realizations and had told myself I did not want to fall back into the things I did in the US, in VA, as I had done before. But when I returned, over time, it happened. I was back to states of depression, non-motivation…I did kepe with my vegetarianism, and worked towards figuring out some other things I had really supressed over time. Also, my dislike of humanity increased…it just needed to happen in a positive, creative, activist way.

I do not want this to happen with my writing. I do not want to fall out of it, allow myself to break away, to ignore. This blog was started partly because I kept talking – for a few years – about starting a zine and then I thought this is a great way to help me with my earl morning writing. I have written other things, but this is something to keep me focused. I tried to establish once a week sort of posts, which has really only happened with the movie list, but I aim to get better, I aim to work harder on this, to post more things from my past, get into the re-reviews, images, etc. I am trying to also break free of my fear of sharing my work.

I was also thinking recently – after watching Dave Chapelle’s bit on Sesame Street and how we are taught to react to homelessness in this society – about the fact that like so many people around me I walk past homeless folks often times as if I do not see them. Why is it that I am more willing to spend $3.50 on a bubble tea than I am to give it to someone who has no shelter and no food?

I hear arguments made like “they are scamming me,” they will spend it on drugs,” “i can’t give money to every homeless person,” and so on. I will work my responses backwards. Ok, fine, I don’t think I can personally/financially give money to every homeless person I pass, or particularly those same people I see every day around my place of work. But then, I do have a job that pays my rent and then some. And I doubt I will give money to every homeless person every day, but it has gotten to a point where I personally use that argument as an excuse to not give money to anyone.

They will spend it on drugs….really? Do you really care? If one cigarette, or a beer, or a shot of something is what will help that person get through the night who the fuck am I to judge? Not to mention that that is a convienent excuse to not give any money to anyone and a bullshit stereotype. Besides, I am sure that some of the people who make that argument drink and/or take drugs themselves. We are all a part of this system to teaches us to become addicts to different things. For some of us it is heroin, for some of us it is television, for some of us it is destroying the world…again, who the fuck am I to judge?

The scam argument…well, frankly, we are being scammed every day. If I take my $3.50 and get a bubble tea at some little shop that is part of a larger corporation I am being scammed. There is no way it costs that much to make the tea in the first place. I might as well give the money to someone else to spend on whatever they want. Besides, that is a great way to go through life…but it seems like this argument is again, only for convienance, cause the same person doesn’t necessarly feel that way about all people or places.

I have a lot more to say on this…I am just too annoyed right now. My thoughts are knocking into each other.

Thursday, May, 15, 08

little secrets i know

Filed under: a moment in my head,what do i know — theradishpress @ 10:18 am

like the time you told me you were honest and proved yourself wrong but you really believed it and i think you still believe it but i know it is not true and so does everyone else because i like to warn people about liars

and this reminds me of when amu abbas told me to write about i and not me and i thought i was being really deep but i think i may have missed a lot of what he was trying to get at, if not everything

but sometimes i was much more intelligent, i have decided, ten years ago than i am now.

boy cat is hungry

my throat hurts cause i smoked again and i should not

my wrist hurts just because it exists

concert summer

dreams about ticketmaster screwing people over

dc this weekend/va this weekend

drive drive drive

tolls

and trolls

and dances

and mommy and baba

zombie dance

how much clothes can i borrow?

here it is: i think i want to live in ny for one more year, then travel around and stay in different places, work odd jobs. i could live in ireland for up to 3 months. i could live in germany for a bit…maybe also 3 months. i could live in iran for as long as i want, i could live in california, utah, tennessee, oregon, va, md, dc…a backpack with some clothes, some books, and me. earn my keep. i am bound to nothing and no one, only myself. i am tired of living my life in terms of financial things. i can try to get a “i don’t have money” deferment on my loans, ’cause at the rate i am going, i won’t get a break for years and years, and i need not let this bread hit the floor george.

it is as i remember it. frightening and true. maybe another george wrote it. like o’brien as goldstein. maybe it is all lies to keep us sedated, to keep us thinking it is not what it could be, what they say it is. maybe not. maybe yes. maybe marky mark.

i ate delicious pizza on tuesday.

i do not like thinking about work outside of work.

8. SubUrbia

Filed under: movie list — theradishpress @ 10:08 am
Tags: , , ,

All I remember is frantically turning this movie off because Giovanni Ribisi has a scene of full frontal nudity. My parents must have been home. Knowing that Richard Linklater directed this, however, makes it appealing. In fact, that was why I saw it in the first place, I loved Dazed and Confused, so why would I not love this? I do remember watching it with my siblings and feeling like I did not want to be judged. This shall be netflixed. Let’s see what I was feeling judged about and if it is any good. Linklater is someone who has grown as a director. He has gotten better and seems more willing to take risks.

Friday, May, 9, 08

Celebrity Sighting #2

Filed under: celebrity sightings — theradishpress @ 11:11 am
Tags: , , ,

April 19. Roller derby. Krissy and I went to the opening match with Kelly and Co.

As Krissy and I were walking around trying to find them a security guard stopped us and was trying to figure out based on our ticket color where we should sit. As I was telling him we were looking for our friends he asked one of the Gotham Girls people. She said she didn’t know and I stood there staring at her.

I know her. Why do I know here? Oh my god.

“You’re from Another Gay Movie right?”

I can’t remember the conversation exactly, but she said yes, and was clearly flattered that I recognized her. I told her that she was hilarious in it, ’cause she was. Then I said something about remembering her as a cop in Die Hard IV. She said we should talk later, she had to go to start doing the announcing. She seemed really nice and kinda genuinely appreciative that I knew who she was, not like an AHole about it. So, I did have Krissy try and help me find her at half-time and again at the end…failure.

Later, thanks to imdb, I realized she is not in Die Hard IV, but Inside Man. Still a cop, and I had the image correct, just the wrong movie. Whatever.

It’s Ashlie Atkinson, by the way.

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