I have not been sleeping well, which I have used as an excuse the past week to not get up and write. I have this problem of getting into do healthy things and then dropping it, losing it, repeating the same tired and useless patterns as before. When I was in England I had come to several self-realizations and had told myself I did not want to fall back into the things I did in the US, in VA, as I had done before. But when I returned, over time, it happened. I was back to states of depression, non-motivation…I did kepe with my vegetarianism, and worked towards figuring out some other things I had really supressed over time. Also, my dislike of humanity increased…it just needed to happen in a positive, creative, activist way.
I do not want this to happen with my writing. I do not want to fall out of it, allow myself to break away, to ignore. This blog was started partly because I kept talking – for a few years – about starting a zine and then I thought this is a great way to help me with my earl morning writing. I have written other things, but this is something to keep me focused. I tried to establish once a week sort of posts, which has really only happened with the movie list, but I aim to get better, I aim to work harder on this, to post more things from my past, get into the re-reviews, images, etc. I am trying to also break free of my fear of sharing my work.
I was also thinking recently – after watching Dave Chapelle’s bit on Sesame Street and how we are taught to react to homelessness in this society – about the fact that like so many people around me I walk past homeless folks often times as if I do not see them. Why is it that I am more willing to spend $3.50 on a bubble tea than I am to give it to someone who has no shelter and no food?
I hear arguments made like “they are scamming me,” they will spend it on drugs,” “i can’t give money to every homeless person,” and so on. I will work my responses backwards. Ok, fine, I don’t think I can personally/financially give money to every homeless person I pass, or particularly those same people I see every day around my place of work. But then, I do have a job that pays my rent and then some. And I doubt I will give money to every homeless person every day, but it has gotten to a point where I personally use that argument as an excuse to not give money to anyone.
They will spend it on drugs….really? Do you really care? If one cigarette, or a beer, or a shot of something is what will help that person get through the night who the fuck am I to judge? Not to mention that that is a convienent excuse to not give any money to anyone and a bullshit stereotype. Besides, I am sure that some of the people who make that argument drink and/or take drugs themselves. We are all a part of this system to teaches us to become addicts to different things. For some of us it is heroin, for some of us it is television, for some of us it is destroying the world…again, who the fuck am I to judge?
The scam argument…well, frankly, we are being scammed every day. If I take my $3.50 and get a bubble tea at some little shop that is part of a larger corporation I am being scammed. There is no way it costs that much to make the tea in the first place. I might as well give the money to someone else to spend on whatever they want. Besides, that is a great way to go through life…but it seems like this argument is again, only for convienance, cause the same person doesn’t necessarly feel that way about all people or places.
I have a lot more to say on this…I am just too annoyed right now. My thoughts are knocking into each other.