i have not been sleeping well for the past few nights, maybe weeks, maybe months. i did fall asleep at 730pm last Thursday. that was glorious. and much needed. i feel like when i am sleeping it is not enough and it takes me forever to actually fall asleep. having boy cat meow in one ear and girl cat refuse to understand that jumping on my pillow is not only annoying but dirty with her poo paws, doesn’t really help the inability to sleep factor. when i do remember my dreams they are hazy and jumbled, but mostly now i remember nothing. sometimes there is a faint recollection of someone or some thing that happened and i awake with a distinct emotion but i am not sure why. i wish i could record my dreams and watch them later for more detailed understanding and interpretation, which may not at all lead to understanding or interpretation, rather confusion.
this time next year i will not be here. this time next here will be different. this time next year i may not be here. this time next year i will be gone from this point moved on to the next outside of where i am. this time next year will bring new faces and places and demands and representations of how i see myself.
remember in the matrix when morpheus tells neo that everyone has a residual self image? i think about that a lot, how we all see ourselves and how it could be significantly different from how the world sees us, or maybe each person sees us differently. sometimes when i see pictures of myself past and present i am slightly taken aback. i had a different image in my head. what i had in my head is not always so greatly different, but different none the less. and then it makes me think about our actions, how we perceive our own actions. what makes someone like george bush frightening to me is that i think he really does believe that he is doing the right thing in attacking afghanistan, iraq, perpetuating death and destruction in this country, and the entire world. i think he really believes that god chose him. and that makes him dangerous. i think that when it comes to my own actions i think about things too much. one reason i can’t sleep is because i can’t stop thinking things over and over and over.
this time next year it will be different. this time next year will be without. i will abandon everything that holds me back. this time next year.