So, it hit me even more this weekend how much my social anxiety has kept me from doing things. I have been making an effort, a small one, but never the less an effort to go out and do things, and I knew that what was preventing me from meeting people and from getting out was my social anxiety…and still is, let’s be honest, it’s not as if it disappears over night. But this weekend, when 6 of my friends were up, and one day before 2 other friends were up, I realized that for most activities I have been relying on people visiting me or my own visits back home. I have successfully avoided parties, movies, lunches, dinners, dances, etc and managed to not feel completely isolated because I have gone home enough and had enough visitors to keep myself occupied. Not to mention, I have learned over the years to interpret my anxiety as a dislike for people, in addition to an already existing dislike. I have used it as an excuse to not do things.
But I want to break out of that. There is so much to see and so much to do and there are cool people out there. I have met some truly genuine human beings here in NY, LC specifically comes to mind, and some really amazing, some really fun and funny, some really generous, some really open people.
I had a great weekend. And at the end it was sort of bittersweet when my new realization hit. Not only was it already sad to see everyone off and to have to return to a world completely different from the one we occupied for a few days, but to figure out one more piece of what I have used as an excuse to not get to know anyone new. I have managed for – 2 weeks shy of a year now – to keep a safe distance from all but one person in this city. And this is how I have gone through most of my life. On the one hand I am completely fine with it. I don’t need quantity, rather quality. On the other hand, I am fully aware that Will Hunting my way through life can’t last forever. It won’t.