Thursday, December, 18, 08


Filed under: a moment in my head — theradishpress @ 10:19 pm
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by theradishpress

In general, I am not a fan of theater. Well, I never really have been. Something about being in the same room as the players has always made me uncomfortable, not to mention the claustrophobia and anxiety I experience even in the cinema.

Mary took me to see Equus as my Christmas present, and I can honestly say that it is one of the most thoughtful gifts anyone has ever given me. One, we were talking about our desire to see it. Granted, part of that desire was an admitted want to see Daniel Radcliffe full on naked. Two, she actually listened to an interest of mine and when she drew my name from the hat for Secret Santa, she went with it. Three, I love horses. Four, I love arts.

I decided to tell Mary about my anxiety and that despite my sincere desire to see the play there might come a moment where I would have to exit the theater. She was awesomely understanding and sharing that helped me so that I not only did not have to leave the theater, but there were only two brief moments of anxiety.

The play was amazing. I knew a little about the story, having falsely been told when it first opened in London that the story was about a boy who physically loved horses and had sex with them, which turned me off from it. Then I learned that was not the case, and I am so glad Mary pulled my name and took me. I would not have seen it otherwise.

I related to Strang. I too love horses, and I felt that like his therapist I could understand the shame and the emotional attachment he felt, the need to not be seen as lesser before such gods.

I had not felt so exhilarated by music, film, or any other form of art in such a long time. It was as if my motivation, my desire, my need for things beyond myself and full of imagination and creation was given back to me. The second the play started, I knew I was going to enjoy its short run. The music, the set, the performances were all inspirational. The praise placed upon Daniel Radcliffe has not come without warrant. To think that he has been channeling the same passionate and mistakenly insane character for months, without giving a tired performance, is incredible.

Above all, it was the horses who grabbed my attention. I was in awe of the well-formed men who strode gracefully around the stage. They truly resembled horses, standing high upon hooves and with large muscular chests that truly resembled a horse’s strong form. I realized my mouth hung open for most of the play.

I was reminded that so much can be said and shown with so little. CG is not required, nor intensely large and elaborate sets. It is the performances that create the world that has been opened to the audience. I have a new-found appreciation for simplicity in acting and shows. I will not limit myself to the cinema. Besides, there is nothing better to me than a story touching disturbing subjects.

And that is part of the theme, to grasp unto what inspires us, to live life without regret and without limits, to truly know our desires and to fulfill them. Strang may have been disturbed and preformed an incredibly cruel act, but he held tightly onto life and knew his own needs and wants.

I was also drawn to the idea of worship. What difference is there between his idolization of Equus and that of Christ who once occupied his wall? People die endlessly for the supposed will of the lord. Why not embrace the lord or our lords as Strang did, and attempt to understand them? Why not try to achieve our own godly status? And at the same time, when blind worship takes place, people are left with no reason and commit acts of violence against themselves and/or others.

The end of the first act was filled with intense emotion as Strang declared that he rode the horses every three weeks in the middle of night. Nugget stood in the center of the stage, atop a platform, as stirrups lowered from the ceiling. Nugget bent his back leg so that Strang could jump up, his feet secure in the stirrups as the other horses pushed the platform around. Nugget lifted his legs, trotting, then cantering, then galloping. Both legs at times were in the air as Strang shouted his story, shared his deepest secret. That was it, that was the moment I understood him. He felt love for something greater than himself. So what that it was not written by the hand of a god any of us had been taught.

And when the scene came that he told how he came to jab out the eyes of all the horses, I was once again in awe of the horses violent neighs and gracefully pained dances about the stage. Strang leapt into the air before each stall and stabbed them in their eyes. The movement was almost identical at each door, again violent yet graceful. And I felt slight guilt at seeing beauty in his actions. Who am I to think of such an act as beautiful when I am so far removed from any true threat of violence?

I left with an overwhelming sense of accomplishment. This, I thought, was what I needed to help me relocate my desire for creation. I sat at attention while also dreaming of words I would wrote and worlds I would create.

I think that sometimes it is – and I do not know why – so difficult to understand ourselves and other humans that we feel they will never understand us, all we are left with is the hope that maybe those creatures who occupy this world with us will grasp even the slightest knowledge of ourselves. Then again, maybe that’s just me and Strang.

Thursday, December, 11, 08

Gonzalo Sightings #4

Filed under: celebrity sightings — theradishpress @ 3:14 pm
Tags: , , , ,

by theradishpress

I walked somewhat leisurely toward University Pl and 14th, heading toward work, debating chai from Joe’s.

Oh my god, that’s Michael Showalter. Hmmm, he has a suitcase. Where is he going? Ok, I will cross here too. Who is that with him? Michael Ian Black! Wouldn’t it be funny if they were going to Joe’s too? I want to say hi, but they look tired and have clearly been traveling. But so funny…and let’s be honest, hot too.

They continued down University Pl and I took my right onto 13th, figuring I had enough time to grab a chai from Joe’s without being too late. I texted Sadiqeh immediately. Someone had to understand my joy at just seeing their hilarious faces.

I wonder if this is my free drink yet? I will see. Holy crap, that’s David Wain in front of me. I bet he’s looking for those two.

Wain gets on his phone.

Should I tell him I just saw his friends? No, no.

Got my chai.

And there’s Showalter.  I just smiled at him like I know him. Grrreat. And there’s Ian Black. This is too good to be true. Stella, right here.

Sunday, December, 7, 08

Let’s Talk H8

by theradishpress

It has been over one month since Barack Obama won the presidential election and Proposition 8 was passed in California.

First, I want to congratulate those Californians who voted for the passing of this bill, which constitutionally bans gay marriage, on their victory. You did it! You took your hate and had it written into law. I bet there are some Obama haters who wish they had the same amount of sway.

Ahhhh, so much to say.

Let me just say it, maybe it will ramble, maybe it will flow out perfectly into coherent thoughts. Maybe I can go back and edit.

I am constantly amazed by the amount of energy some people put into hatred. Why does it matter to me or anyone else who another person chooses to love and/or marry? Even for those people who claim that their opposition is based on religious beliefs, fine, then join religious institutions that don’t allow gay marriage. Why does it have to be written into law that gay marriage is forbidden?

Now, let’s talk about the backlash from the gay community. Certain statistics claimed that Proposition 8 passed because of the high number of black voters who turned out this year due to Obama running. Hooray, a black man is president, now we can make racist claims while claiming we aren’t racist…after all, there is a black man in the white house. For starters, only 12% of the entire US population is black. Secondly, isn’t it convenient to go and blame one group for the passing of this bill instead of looking at the overall picture, like the fact that this country was built on hatred, enslavement, and genocide, and that gay rights are something that have been consistently denied? Here is a wonderful breakdown from Tara’s blog: (Because I cannot seem to figure out how to hyperlink…awesome).

So first black voters were blamed, then Mormons. Ok, ok, so the Mormon church donated large amounts of money to Proposition 8, I understand that, but again, attacking Mormons for something that the church did is completely ludicrous. As if there are not gay Mormons and gay black folk! Black folk who showed up to protests against the passage of Proposition 8 had racial slurs yelled at them by other gay folk. Great job queers, way to show support and way to gain favour for your fight. But hey, at least those black gays and Mormon gays know where you stand now. Isn’t it interesting too, that so many queer folk compare gay rights to the civil rights movement in the 60’s, yet here they are, throwing racial slurs out? Maybe they have that right since the struggles are so close…yeah, that must be it.

What I see coming from this is an opportunity for the queer community to come together and fight not for the right to marry, but for civil rights overall. Suicide is insanely high in the queer community, particularly amongst teenagers. Homelessness, sex education, poverty, these are all things that impact the community, and yet, marriage is at the top of the list!? People wanting to get married is fine. I see no reason for that right to be denied. However, I do see a problem with it being the focal point of a community that is riddled with so many other issues, not to mention blatant discrimination from its own government.

And there are those in the queer community who fight for things like better medical care, education, and anti-hate crime laws. There are people in the community who do not see marriage as the number one issue. But like everything else, when the elite and the privileged have the ability to speak up, have access to all the resources, then it is their issues that are heard. And what else do queers who are privileged need? Marriage, that is it. Queer people of color do not just deal with homophobia, but racism outside of and within the queer community. Queer women deal with sexism out of and within the community. Why should marriage be the number one issue for people who are fighting against racism and sexism? (And these are only two examples of those not in the privileged class).

The queer community as a whole needs to really step back and take a look at what is needed and what is wanted, and doors need not be shut in the faces of those who do not fit the desired profile. Barack Obama winning the election is by no means an end to racism, it is only a great way for racists to get away with a lot more. But it is also an opportunity for people to prove their loyalty and dedication to the elimination of discrimination.

This is a chance for the elite, the white queers, to examine how their privilege impacts not only their entire community, but themselves. What are they missing or denying themselves by focusing on the right to marry whilst ignoring the fact that there is a lot of work to be done in regard to racism, poverty, sexism, and homophobia overall, to name a few?

And this is a chance for all allies to stand together and command and demand equality. If this really is a country formed with the intent to support freedom, then let’s prove that to ourselves. Let’s take it. No one can give it to us, but ourselves.

I waited to write this one, because I was lazy; two, I needed to gather my thoughts; three, it is still important, and until discrimination is squashed, it will remain important.

You can’t shut me up.

Tuesday, December, 2, 08

this time around

Filed under: a moment in my head — theradishpress @ 3:23 pm

by theradishpress

back to old habits again and again, forgetting to stop and take a moment to really breathe deep and let out that sigh of relief.

I started taking yoga. Well, I have been to two classes. I am enjoying it, AND it is more difficult than I thought. I cannot let go. Or I have a hard time letting go in a room full of people.

Maybe I have surrounded myself with other people’s issues so that I can ignore my own. I like bottling up, hiding, and sometimes I come out. Only for a few brief moments and only for a few select people. Even then I hold back. I don’t always want to know the answer, the reason, and what could possibly be who it is I really am or what it is I am meant for. Maybe there is nothing.

I asked my mother to remind me of the real Little Mermaid story – before Disney got their hands on it and destroyed it like everything else they touch – and so it goes that she wanted to be human in order to be with a Prince on land. But the Mermaid was told that she would be cursed with pain in her feet and it felt as if she was walking on glass. The story ends with her dying, literally evaporating into the sea. So, I said, the moral is that no one’s worth it. No, my mother said, the moral is that you shouldn’t change who you are.

I guess both morals can be true. I should not change who I am – once I figure out who that is, and no one is worth it. My interpretation explains a lot.

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