back to old habits again and again, forgetting to stop and take a moment to really breathe deep and let out that sigh of relief.
I started taking yoga. Well, I have been to two classes. I am enjoying it, AND it is more difficult than I thought. I cannot let go. Or I have a hard time letting go in a room full of people.
Maybe I have surrounded myself with other people’s issues so that I can ignore my own. I like bottling up, hiding, and sometimes I come out. Only for a few brief moments and only for a few select people. Even then I hold back. I don’t always want to know the answer, the reason, and what could possibly be who it is I really am or what it is I am meant for. Maybe there is nothing.
I asked my mother to remind me of the real Little Mermaid story – before Disney got their hands on it and destroyed it like everything else they touch – and so it goes that she wanted to be human in order to be with a Prince on land. But the Mermaid was told that she would be cursed with pain in her feet and it felt as if she was walking on glass. The story ends with her dying, literally evaporating into the sea. So, I said, the moral is that no one’s worth it. No, my mother said, the moral is that you shouldn’t change who you are.
I guess both morals can be true. I should not change who I am – once I figure out who that is, and no one is worth it. My interpretation explains a lot.