Monday, January, 12, 09

09 jan 09

Filed under: a moment in my head,what do i know — theradishpress @ 8:59 pm

by theradishpress

I tend to avoid resolutions. I like to make changes during Ramadan and Lent. I find a new year placed in the midst of a dead season strange, and prefer the Iranian New Year at the beginning of Spring. But why not celebrate both? And why not embrace changes or amendments that need to take place. I decided that I am going to be more open and honest with myself as well others around me. (I also decided to keep better contact with people and see more movies).

After learning some things this winter break and getting angry about secrets, it occurred to me that I am just as guilty of maintaining that status quo and not opening up about things. And this does not mean I need to be exposed or without the safety of my own intuition, but it is time for me to cultivate my emotions, to be completely honest with myself, and to know how to take steps forward, how to sometimes remain silent, and how to embrace the fear and hesitation that often times accompanies speaking out.

The first few days in California I felt for certain that I am an East Coast person, that CA is not a place for me. I did not see the need to carry a conversation with anyone other than those I was there to see. As I spent time in California I acknowledged that while NY has its merits emotionally, mentally, physically, and that I often feel completely at home, it has also provided me with an excuse to retreat into a former self and to act out in ways that are easily excused because of my geographical location. This is not about completely denying who I am, because NY also helped me learn that I had suppressed a true part of myself. This is, however, about learning and growing and developing…and I will not stifle myself. I cannot.

I need to use the time that have, the time not occupied by work, to continue working on creations. I need to focus on myself and what my personal expectations are and not be so concerned if I do not always meet them.

I can see myself in California. I can see myself wandering. I can feel myself losing some of the daring I had even last year. I do not like that. Traveling always puts things into perspective for me. I can see, from far away, what was there, already in front of me.

I felt a NY promise had been made, but that is not the case. It was a promise to myself. And things change. They evolve.

I am learning to be open with my emotions. I am more willing to allow myself to show how I truly feel, especially if my feelings are related to sorrow and sometimes accompanied by tears.  I am open to allowing myself to feel, and to not keep those feelings in isolation.


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